i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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