a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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