He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
