I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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