I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
