I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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