he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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