I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
