please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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