Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
