Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
