So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
