Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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