The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
last night I used snow as a chaser
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
