i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
