Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
