i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
