Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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