Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My ass is underappreciated
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
