my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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