I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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