someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
