An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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