nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
