You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
