please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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