Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
