I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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