we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
