It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
