My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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