Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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