im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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