dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
