Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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