im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
