omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
