It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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