i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
