Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
