i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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