Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We are two peas in an std pod
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
