dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
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We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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