fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
