definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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