I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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