I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
