Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
