wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
