When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
