omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
