i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
