I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
