I accidentally burped into my bong.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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